Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*