Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
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She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.