Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
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Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?