Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Autocorrect is my menesis
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
english majors be like furthermore
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!