Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

God has left this place

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle