date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Clients after you give them your rates
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write