In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
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Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.
I think she’s just found my twitter account
A cig takes 7 minutes off your life
A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life
According to my calculations I should have died in 1812
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.
I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.