It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
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WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad
Me: DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?
My boss at the Alcatraz cafeteria: seriously one more time and you’re fired
i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Did you hear that Barcelona’s beautiful people hardly feel precipitation?
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain
[running from cop]
*cop catches me*
“Get on the ground or I’ll taze ya”
*pulls jellyfish from pocket*
“Look they were all out of tazers”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.