date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

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WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe


sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad



My boss at the Alcatraz cafeteria: seriously one more time and you’re fired


i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box


My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years


Did you hear that Barcelona’s beautiful people hardly feel precipitation?

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain


[running from cop]

*cop catches me*

“Get on the ground or I’ll taze ya”

*pulls jellyfish from pocket*

“Look they were all out of tazers”


At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration


Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.