@TweetPotato314

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

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@BlindChow

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

@aparnapkin

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

@Douchekevin

The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.

I think she’s just found my twitter account

@One_FineMess

A cig takes 7 minutes off your life

A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life

According to my calculations I should have died in 1812

@UrbanDouchebag

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.

Love,

-Tim

@caliraingirl

I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.

@UncleBob56

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

@ashmensch

I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.