date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..