date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
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Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.