date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
You Might Also Like
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?