date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
You Might Also Like
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I need to get some bricks…