Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
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Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
where do you see yourself in five years?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.