Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?