Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
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Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
i want it utterly assaulted.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.