Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

*seductively corrects your posture*

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real