Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.