Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

tis the season

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.