DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
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I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
