Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

wtf management?!

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

Smallpox sounds so adorable

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

i prefer mine room temperature.

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.