DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
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yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
