Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

notice

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit