Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?