Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Called it

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

Dead sexy!!

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.