Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person