date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young![]()
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I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
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I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
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Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.