date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I put the mess in domestic.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
“How’s your day going?”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
How many? 🤔
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock