Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is there nothing we can trust anymore

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

Skip intro

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field