date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I should have stayed in kindergarten.