date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.