Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.