Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

Friday night party time 🥳

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.