Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!