Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.