Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day