Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.