DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
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He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
HELP 😭
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell