Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.