DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
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What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.