DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
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The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
he’ll never suspect a thing
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down