Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

They did not think through this water fountain

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.