date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
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Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Tastes like chicken.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
What kind of a cult is this?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.