Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now