Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

it is time once again

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.