DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
You Might Also Like
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
They got Raph!
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My Plans 2020
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
wow
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.