DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.