Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
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Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.