Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
A small tragedy.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
WHY?!
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.