Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
You Might Also Like
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’