Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
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ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
BETRAYAL
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
God tier horse name today on the sims
