Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it