[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood