Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

Morning.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.