Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

About to throw up

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.