Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
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Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.