Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

this is so top tier i cant

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.