Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.