DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
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According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer