date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
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FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
i think both sides are to blame here
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My typo game is string.
Grandmother clock.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.