Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song