Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
You Might Also Like
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Last-minute gift idea!
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery