Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
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Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*