Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.