Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
how was your vacation
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY