Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
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“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Get in loser we’re going crying
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.