Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Chemical wingman

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato