Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.