Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.

Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Cashiers are always checking me out

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

*3.5 thank you very much.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.