DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Now this is how you LinkedIn
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.