DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
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It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.