Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
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Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
lost dog
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
making sure he doesnt get away
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir