Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
A drum solo but on your face.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
i think both sides are to blame here
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.