Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
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Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Who called it baking and not making love
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse