date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
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YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Too easy.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”