Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous