Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike