Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

your elf on the shelf was delicious

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”